Is it Possible for a Homosexual to Flourish in a Heterosexual Marriage?

Pastor Bob O'Bannon

One of my favorite books from last year was Is God Anti-Gay by Sam Allberry. In the book, the author, who himself struggles with same-sex attraction (SSA), makes a suggestion that I had not considered, and that many gay rights activists might not even consider a remote possibility. Here’s what Allberry wrote:

“It will be possible for some Christians with SSA to marry. This may be because they experience a measure of change in their sexual desires, or else because they find that, despite ongoing homosexual temptations, they are able to enjoy a happy marriage to someone of the opposite sex.” (p. 50-51). He goes on to mention people whose “desires remain predominantly homosexual,” but who nonetheless are able to find “deep companionship” and even “sufficient sexual chemistry” in a heterosexual marriage.

Really? Is that possible? One of the calls upon any follower of Christ is to “abstain from the passions of the flesh,” which “wage war” against our souls (1 Peter 2:11). We are to put off our old selves (Eph. 4:22), to lay aside the sin that clings to us so closely (Heb. 12:1), to crucify the flesh with its passions and desires (Gal. 5:24).

In other words, we are to resist those sinful cravings that are contrary to God’s will for us. For some of us, that means we must restrain our desires to overspend when we walk through the mall. For others, it means we must hold our tongue when we are ready to explode with anger. For others, it means we must push away from the table when we’re tempted to over-indulge. And for Christians struggling with SSA, it means a willingness to struggle to reorient desires toward a person of the opposite sex.

I am not suggesting this is easy. I am not suggesting that it can even occur in a fully satisfactory way in every situation. But the Christian life is not about giving up and submitting to our sinful cravings; it’s about continuing the fight against the sins which our Savior died to forgive and to slowly eliminate from our lives.

If you doubt whether a person with SSA can flourish in a heterosexual marriage, you must listen to this 10-minute NPR interview with Allen Edwards, pastor of Kiski Valley Presbyterian Church, a congregation in our denomination (Presbyterian Church in America). He’s married to a woman, and they are expecting their first child in July. (By the way, kudos to National Public Radio for asking good questions and treating Pastor Edwards with respect).

Pastor Edwards is at least one example of how it is possible for a homosexual to flourish in a heterosexual marriage.

Are Fathers Necessary?

Pastor Bob O'Bannon

This Sunday is Father’s Day. Millions of people will buy gifts, make phone calls, secure dinner reservations, and devote considerable time and thought to making sure their fathers know how much they are valued and appreciated.

Presupposed in the whole tradition of Father’s Day is the notion that dads are important. They matter. They are not expendable. Our president seems to agree with this. He said, “To be a good father is the most important job in a man’s life.”

A recent article in the New York Post supports this contention by making the case that the importance of fathers is “deeper than we realize.”  According to various studies, children with fathers who interact with them have fewer behavioral problems at school; fathers apparently play a larger role than mothers in a child’s vocabulary development; and the presence of fathers in a household leads to a decrease in “sexual risk taking” in daughters.

For most people, I am simply stating the obvious here. Everyone knows that fathers are important, right? Well, that depends on how committed you are to other convictions.

It’s no secret that President Obama has voiced his support for same-sex marriage. And yet at about this time last year, the president was featured in a Father’s Day ad in which he said:

No matter how advanced we get, there will never be a substitute for the love and support, and most importantly, the presence, of a parent in a child’s life. In many ways, that’s uniquely true for fathers.”

In a Father’s Day address last year, the president made sure he did not overlook the fact that gay people are parents too. He said that being a good parent, “whether gay or straight, a foster parent or a grandparent,” is not an easy job.

So President Obama is affirming that fathers are uniquely important in a family, and at the same time, that two women should be able to get married and be parents. My guess is that this is becoming the majority opinion in our nation, and yet the incompatibility of the two sentiments should be obvious. If two women are married and are entrusted with children to raise, does this not necessarily exclude a father from the picture? How can a person hold that there is something uniquely important about a father in a child’s life, and at the same time hold that it’s acceptable for two women to raise a child in the absence of any fatherly presence?

There is no question that fathers are important (and mothers too). It’s one of the reasons we celebrate Father’s Day every year. And it’s also one of the reasons why the question of same-sex marriage is not just a matter of private religious conviction, but an issue that will most certainly have far-reaching social and civil implications for our society.

4 Things to Remember If You Are Discouraged by the Moral Deterioration of Our Nation

Pastor Bob O'Bannon

Ross Douthat has written an article in the New York Times in which he says same-sex marriage will inevitably be legalized in all 50 states, and that all that is left for proponents of traditional marriage now is to “find out what settlement the victors will impose.”

It’s a pretty bleak prognosis. But there are at least four things to remember if you are one who is discouraged by the rapid changes that are taking place in our nation.

1. The leaders of our nation have been appointed by God. Pontius Pilate was in a position of authority to deliver Jesus over to be crucified. In John 19:11, Jesus said to Pilate: “You would have no authority over me at all unless it had been given you from above.” Rom. 13:1 tells us that the governing authorities have been “instituted by God.” Our president, our Congress and our Supreme Court are in charge because God put them in charge. But remember — God can remove people from power just as quickly as he placed them in power. (Is. 40:22-23)

2. We no longer live in a pro-Christian culture. Back in the 1960s, it was socially desirable to be a Christian churchgoer. The church enjoyed a place of prominence and respect in the culture. That is no longer the case. Many observers say we now live in a “post-Christian” culture, which means the basic values and convictions of Christianity are no longer assumed or even desired. This is alarming to many Christians, but it is certainly not unusual. For much of history, the church of Jesus Christ has been a marginalized, maligned and sometimes persecuted group. The psalmist, writing about 3,000 year ago, captures what many Christians feel today: “My foes are vigorous, they are mighty, and many are those who hate me wrongfully. Those who render me evil for good accuse me because I follow after good.” (38:19-20)

3. We should not shrink back from speaking the truth. It does not follow from points 1 and 2 above that we should therefore resort to apathy or indifference about what is happening in our culture. Paul warns us not to take part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but “instead to expose them.” (Eph. 5:11). The psalmist says he hates “every false way” (119:128), and that his eyes shed “steams of tears” because people do not keep God’s law (119:136). As believers we should be prepared to respectfully but boldly take a stand for Christian truth, and take the hits that will inevitably result.

4. Our ultimate hope is not in the salvation of America. There is Biblical precedent for being passionate about one’s country. Paul suffered “great sorrow and unceasing anguish” because of the spiritual state of his fellow Jews (Rom. 9:1-5). He longed for them to be saved (Rom. 10:1). So it is good to long for revival in the United States, that our fellow countrymen might be reconciled to God. But the final culmination of God’s redemptive purposes will not be found in a “reclaimed America,” but in the new creation, the new heavens and the new earth, where godlessness will be eradicated and righteousness finally will dwell (2 Peter 3:13), where all of God’s people from a multitude of nations (Rev. 5:9) will gather around the throne and worship Jesus forever.